Two Days Ago

 I did something I have not done for a while.   I took the day of the fall equinox off.  Of course, I forgot until today (2 days later) that it was the equinox.  Only remembered it tonight.  I took two ‘me’ days in the middle of the week.  Closed the clinic (they survived), got errands run, caught up on some health stuff, got the Halloween candy for neighborhood insanity - and that was just Tuesday.  Wednesday though - I had a beautiful day of nothing.

I did get my hair cut, got to visit with some of my favorite peeps.  Lord Buckingham was at daycare, so I was foot loose and fancy free.  It was a very relaxing day.  I went to work today with a smile, having slept well and just felt all around good.

I needed it, since the world is going to $&%@* around me.  The piper is coming to be paid, and everyone seems shocked.  I’m not.  Saw this coming when I left DoD work - goodness 35 years ago.  

I’ve never regretted medical school, or the sacrifices that came with it. My life became less about having a job and morphed into having a calling.   As I get to the end of this amazing career, I am finding it hard to walk away into retirement.

However. 

The economy is in the shitter and no end in sight - and my father voice persists in my head, 26 years after he has passed.  “In times of economic instability, your best place is to be employed”   So I use that to justify why I don’t retire, but it is hard to walk away from the community of souls I have been entrusted to care for these past 14.5 years.  

Being forced to move back to Virginia in 2012  (ok, I came willingly because my mom needed me) - I had to interrupt yet another practice and begin again.  This has been my third practice and I always thought I would leave when Mom passed and go back to Arizona or find somewhere else to live. (Not a fan of Virginia).  

Almost 15 years later, I have established friends, connections and a life I’m happy with.  My family is close. I’m an Oma now and a Great great Aunt (they opted to call me Oma too).  And I’m getting older. And eventually I will have to walk away from my career, but the question is, to what?

Part of me wants to move to a cabin in the woods, and just chill.  Travel isn’t the same any more.  My last trip to Scotland - to one of the more wild places, still had too many tourists.  I don’t want to be a tourist - well not a typical one anyway.  Back roads, out of the way places, history, museums, libraries, small towns- that is my idea of a good time.  In Ecuador, I found an art museum in Cuenca that was amazing - in Guatemala I found a textile museum off the beaten path, and got to visit with an herbalist in the mountains by Lake Atitlan.   

I loved every  moment I have traveled, but the world simply isn’t safe any more.  It makes it hard to decide what to do.  The simplest thing would be to stay in this house until the economy settles down and probably keep working until I can’t any more.  The sheer amount of ‘stuff’ I have accumulated over the years intimidates me because I doubt my kids want any of it.  I remember when  Mom started to downsize - she mailed a bunch of stuff to me, that remains in boxes downstairs, unused.  I don’t want to do this to my kids.  

Lord Buckingham’s First Birthday

October 8 I will be taking two weeks off - The little lord is having surgery and I am going to have to stay home with him for 2 weeks.  We may hit the road and explore.  We may just stay home and go through the stored stuff.  Practice retirement…well not really. I’ll be accessing work from home due to short staffing and my inability to let things be done by other people.

I’m funny that way.   Been alone too long. Well not alone, 3 cats, 1 dogs, and a growing family.  I even have a room mate this year - the wife of my great nephew is finishing her masters at the local Uni while her husband is in officer training for the marines.  It’s very different having someone here.  But only until May. 

Ok…so with the fall equinox, I have reopened my journal.  While spring is about new beginnings, and new life, the fall is the time to move into winding down, hibernation and introspection (and sorting through too much stuff).  This time is suited for a journal I think.   I have reached the F*** all phase of life (as one of my patients coined) - the age where you actually don’t sweat the small stuff any more.  Takes the complexity out of living.