good intentions

 Well, every night I do the same thing at least on my work days.  I’m still working full-time. And I’m pushing 70.

So I come home every night with the same plan. Tidy up the house a bit, play with the animals, eat dinner Work about an hour and go to bed early.

I’m tired when I come home. I always think I’m going to go to bed early so here it is almost 11, which is not early and I’m only now climbing into bed.

Which means that 5 AM book comes too quickly.

And as I fall asleep, I wonder why I am still doing this. It’s a fleeting thought, Regretting that I did not retire.

And then I stop and think about my day. my job is a lot more involved than just simple primary care. The majority of my patients are broken, some physically almost all emotionally. How much of my day is just allowing them to vent and talk cry laugh what they need.

Maybe that’s why I’m slow to sleep because I’m reconciling their stories in my head. I am beyond grateful for my life and my family. We went through those trying and broken times. It took us many years to become whole again.

I look back at the experiences of my life and realize that they have molded me to be the best I can be for my Patient.  It makes it difficult to leave. But the day is coming when I have to think of my own needs over theirs, as heartbreaking is that is. 

But right now I am going to sleep if my cat Jasmine will let me. She has an annoying habit headbutting me in the middle of the night and purring so Loudly that she could wake the ghosts of the past.

I will proofread this tomorrow and laugh at whatever voice texting mistakes this made but right now I need to go to bed now that I’ve gotten this off my chest. 


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