May 18

 I thought I was past this memory 24 years later.  My life is at a point where I am as happy as I can be in my self imposed aloneness.   I don't dwell on the past, I let go long ago - with occasional wistful thinking about what might have been.  But I gave up on knowing your truth a long time ago. 

I'm content with successful children, a close family and good friends. My work is winding down, as it should with my age. I'm ready to retire but I have had a great career.  I kid about changing my name and just disappearing into the ether.  It's tempting. Retirement planning has my free time mind completely occupied.

So May 18th - I wasn't paying attention.  Laying down to sleep - I experienced an intense vision that touched my  heart in a way I haven't felt in years.  The vision of a memory that never was. But vivid just the same.  The vision triggered an emotional tsunami - it took me the whole weekend to recover.  I kept thinking - what the hell, where did that come from. 

And then today, at work I realized....it happened on May 18.  For once in my life this day snuck up on me, I was not even thinking about that day 24  years ago.  I haven't - in a while now. 

 My rational self would say that my subconscious knew the date and created the vision.  But part of me thinks of it as a visitation.  It was just too real in how it invaded my psyche.  

But it brought the heartache back.  I'll recover, I always do.  But - if you are lurking I'm letting you know I got the message.   And if you have already left this plane, you already know...I got the message.  And I will always love you.

You told me once that I would come to hate you but I have not.  Just sad.  My pain is some of missing you, but the the deepest ache is the pain I caused a beautiful soul because of you.  And I lost you both.  Being alone is my penance.